You may have a vague idea of what is in this picture but I will go ahead and explain it to you, it is a picture of a green fleshlight (aka pocket pussy) stuffed between a mattress and boxspring, and a picture of a female yoda on top of the mattress. No this is not my picture. I actually found it simply by doing a google image search of the word "yoda." Now I have to admit this picture made me laugh in a shake my head sort of way. I mean seriously what the fuck is wrong with the person who took this photo. I am going to go out on a limb and say that the person is probably fairly intelligent, with a decent sense of humor, and a massive love for star wars. Those are all okay qualities (my inner geek loves the star wars films as well as lord of the rings, big deal, so what, want to fight about it?) Although I found it humorous I also wonder did 5 million years of evolution really lead us to this path? Where exactly did we go wrong?
In my previous position with my company I was exposed to a lot of customers in their own home. This led to some rather bizarre encounters in the three years that I did in house work. I am going to go over some of the more memorable shake your head kind of moments. Some of this are going to be rather brief and some will require a bit more to get the story across.
I remember one time I was running a service call to a guy's apartment. He was an older guy, mid 50s, and flamboyantly gay. If gayness was a liquid it would of been dripping off of him by the gallon. He seemed a bit hyped up too like he either drank too many cups of coffee or smoked too much meth before his last buttfuck orgy. As I got started on my work I kind of noticed behind me that he was sitting in a chair watching me. As I looked a bit closer he had a gun in his hand. He was just sitting there watching me work with what looked to be a sig sauer 9mm. The gun was not pointed at me, rather it was pointed towards the ground but all the same it did raise a flag or two. He never said one word to me, just watched me work, then when I finished he got up, placed the gun on his coffee table, signed the paper work, then I left the apartment. I am not sure why the fuck he felt the need to hold a gun while I was working and I didn't really care to stick around and ask. Had he pointed the gun at me we would of had a problem but he made sure to keep it pointed at the ground the whole time.
Another gun incident happened not long after that. I was working in a very wealthy part of town this time. The house I was in had what could of been a couple other houses stuffed inside of it. One such house with in a house was the domain of the home owners teenage son. He had some type of issue in one of his rooms. I asked to see a certain thing and the homeowner began looking for it. He started going through a gym bag on his son's sofa. Suddenly I heard "What the fuck?!" and glanced over to see the homeowner holding a Desert Eagle .50 caliber handgun he had pulled from the bag. I imagine this was not something he saw on a regular basis, especially his lack of checking to see if the gun was loaded or if a round was chambered. Lucky for him he did not blow his own dick off. I still wish I could of been in that household when the son got home. It is bad enough when parents find condoms or pornos in your room, but a goddamn desert eagle? How the fuck do you explain that.
One time I knocked on a customers door and as they opened I did my usual mr. polite guy speech. Never mind the fact that I could give a shit less about the customer or their problems, I have to be honest I do my job because it pays me. I find other things in life much more meaningful than listening to them whine about a luxury item when there are people out there with real problems. I know that when you pay for something you want it to work, I understand and respect that. But for the love of my taint do not act like it is the end of the world if you miss an episode of American Idol.
Well being the polite man servant that I am I called the customer sir. The customer looked at me oddly for a second then I realized that ugly man was really an ugly dyke. Honestly though if you are going to look like a man do not be offend when someone addresses you as a man. Hell I would of thought "it" would of been happy she was playing the part so well it confused me. To rub a little salt in the wound I unintentionally referred to her as sir at least 3 more times. I wish I could say I was doing this to be a dick but honestly I just kept slipping up. I was almost positive the she beast was going to call in and make a formal complaint but she never did.
Now this next person did make a formal complaint. There are these apartments on the north side of Columbus that lets just say seeing someone shooting up heroin on their front porch was not uncommon. They were fucking shitholes let me tell you. The complex was probably 99.999999% black. You know in those cases the one or two white people who live there are usually fucking insane. Not like tough insane but like needs to be in a mental hospital insane. This customer was an older white woman and batshit crazy. She swore to me that her cable box had cockroaches coming out of it. This was not the first time she claimed this. I actually remembered being at her apartment about 3 months before replacing her box for what she claimed was the exact same reason. Now in these circumstances I am not one to argue with a head case, just change the fuckiing thing and get out of there for another 3 months.
Now to give you an idea of this apartment, you walk in the door, go back 10 feet walk in the bedroom and that is it. No nooks and crannies or any place to duck off to. I walked right in, looked at the box and walked back out. I got another box from my truck and walked back in, replaced the box, had her sign the paper work, and walked back out. Quick and easy and I was off to my next job.
If this was a movie you would cut forward to two hours later. I was up on a utility pole when my two way went off. It was one of my dispatchers and she broke out with this.. "Now Jason of course I don't believe this but your customer at ********** is claiming that you stole 72 dollars from her and her drivers lincense." I was dumbfounded. I knew she was batshit crazy but why the fuck would she claim this.
At first I thought it was a ploy to get some kind of credit for her bill. Customers will say weird shit to get out of paying a bill. This wasn't the case though she really thought I stole her money. She went as far as to make a police report. The police showed up to my office and had to question my boss. They knew she was crazy but procedure is procedure. The thing that sucks about a situation like this is that even though people say they don't believe it I am sure some people in the back of their minds wonder. Another funny thing is that a couple days later I got issued another call to her apartment and it said right on the work order to not send me, and they still issued it to me. I traded with another tech to avoid any incidents. He told me she had people in and out of her apartment. Chances are one of those people stole her money but it was easier to blame the worker.
My next story is a rather funny one. I was sitting in a customer's family room explaining our service to him. He was in a chair and I was sitting on his sofa kind of L shaped from him. As I finished explaining everything to him I kind of glanced back and I saw it.... He was sitting in his chair wearing short shorts and his left ball was bulging out of his left short leg. It was old, wrinkly, and just kind of "hanging out". I quickly turned my head and wondered to myself if I had really seen that or just imagined it. So I slowly craned my head around and took another quick glance and sure enough there was ballsey mcgee. By this point I wanted to burst out laughing so bad I couldn't hardly contain myself. I sat there face turning bright red and held it in long enough to have him sign the paper work and slip out the door. Once outside I burst out in laughter all the way back to my truck. I wondered if I would ever reach an age where I wouldn't notice something like a ball falling out of my shorts.
The next story happened shortly before I switched departments. One of our dispatchers, Jerome, decided he wanted to stop hanging out with the ladies answering phones and work in the field. So his first day in the field he had to ride with me to learn the ropes. The first part of the day was very normal and mundane. Then in the afternoon we end up having a service call at what was an overweight obviously gay older man's condo. As I sat there working on the problem the gay man was standing next to jerome making small talk. Next thing you know out of the corner of my eye I see the gay mens pants fall down around his ankles. He looks over to an in shock Jerome and says "Opps my pants fell down." Jerome looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Not having any idea how to respond he simply says "You'll have that sometimes." What goes on is an awkward 5 minute period before the man bends over and pulls his pants up. At this time I am faced away from the man and Jerome and barely holding back laughter. At this point the man starts telling some unfunny jokes and I use that as an excuse to burst out laughing.
Of course he thinks I am laughing at his jokes so he keeps telling them. I am laughing at the absurdness of it all. The whole scene was surreal. Pants down around the ankles just standing there. As we finished up and walked outside I wanted to fuck with Jerome and act like shit like that happened all the time but I couldn't. I had to tell him the truth that nothing quite that blatant had ever happened to me before.
One time someone's place was filthy. They had dirty clothes all over the floor including shit stained underwear. Now if you are going to make an appointment for someone to come inside your house you should make sure it is remotely clean. Just plain tired of all the crap I had been dealing with I wrote on the work order, "work not completed due to dirty clothes, trash, and fecal matter on the floor" and made the customer sign the work order. I mean seriously what is he going to do call in and complain that I didn't want to move his soiled underwears?
Yeah i guess people are pretty fucked up!
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