Have you ever walked into a room full of over a hundred people and off in the distance you see some dumbass that immediately notices you? You see then look over everyone's head staring at you. Silently you pray that the person will not start walking over towards you. Out of the corner of your eye you see that person walking through the crowd all the while staring at you. In your mind you try to convince yourself that he is probably looking past you or going to someone else.
Nope not at all. The weirdest fucker in the room will without a doubt always come right up to me. It is like they have a sixth sense or something. They know that I want nothing more than for them to NOT approach me and they always will.
One time when I was around 12 I had to go down to the local greyhound bus station with my mom to pick up my sister. She was going to a college 3 hours away to be some super doctor or whatever the fuck she does. So we sat there waiting on her because her bus was late, so much for her being perfect otherwise her damn bus wouldn't of been late.
So while waiting around for Capt. Kiss-Ass this older black guy was walking by the chairs when he stopped and looked at me. Now if you know anything about bus stations you know that the weirdos out number the "normies". This was perfect, sitting in the middle of throbbing fuck hole and some weirdo has already got a missile lock on me.
"I can beat you," He says from across the way. I have no idea what the fuck he is on about so I just sit there looking at him. He then clarifies, "I can beat you in a foot race." Oh my fucking god. Sitting in the middle of a bus station waiting for Captainess America and I am being challenged to a foot race. Excellent. I really can't remember the rest of the exchange. After that summer of working for my uncle most of my earlier memories have been distorted and forgotten.
I have to be honest, while I am a very competitive person but a foot race is one thing I will not win. I cannot run fast for the life of me. Oh yeah, sorry Teresa I don't really think you are Capt. Kiss-Ass.
Now this is fucking ironic. After the last sentence I decided I wanted to go pick up some food to fuel me for my trip to the gym later. So I hobbled out towards the old Stang and I heard someone down the street yell out "hey".
What I saw was a real piece of work. Some mentally retarded man hobbling around pushing a bicycle towards me. I thought oh fuck.... Maybe I just imagined that hey and he was not coming towards me. So I started to open my car door and climb inside my car when I had to face the fact that he was in fact talking to me.
"Dew yous know vhat ss wong width bek" (Translated- Do you know what is wrong with my bike). He had some kind of mountain bike with multiple gears and the chain was off of it. To be honest I haven't had a bike since I was about 14 years old and could not for the life of me remember how the hell the chain-gear system was supposed to look. I said to him, "No I am sorry I am not sure how that is supposed to go."
So he just stood there holding the bike. So I said again "I am sorry I wish I could help." Still he stood there like a statue. At this point I said "Okay I am just going to get into my car and pull forward, have a nice day." I got in my car and drove off and all the while he still just stood there stoic and unflinching.
So it is a nice day out, I have the windows turned down and Fortress is blaring from my 500 watt car stereo system. I slam down the gas pedal and smoke the tires. Life is definitely looking better for me. I pull into a local eatery and try to order a couple of the better choices on the menu which is quite frankly not that easy (I'll take a nice steak or pork chop over this crap anytime but I suck at cocking-- I meant cooking but decided to leave that typo in lol). So I grabbed a few things and pull back out putting the wind to the water.
As I come pulling back on my street there is Mongo still standing in the fucking street where I left him holding that goddamn bike. What the flying fuck??? (What the hell is a flying fuck by the way) So I parked my car, exited the door looked at Mongo McGee and nodded at him and just walked past him to my porch. As I fumbled with my keys to unlock the door I could feel his presence walking towards me. This fucking guy was trying to come in after me! I quickly un did the lock, glanced back and waved at him walking up my porch steps and said see you later pal and closed the door. He stood on my porch for about five minutes (felt like an hour). Finally he is gone now and I can breath a little easier.
I was going to tell another story but since that one literally happened in the middle of typing this blog I thought it was too good not to put it in.
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