You know I really wish I didn't have to write this blog entry but unfortunately I do. You see just like picking up a hooker in Thailand with an adam's apple I should of seen the warning signs but I didn't. You know those little things that click in your head and make you take pause and question someone around you.
Maybe I should be a bit more honest, I did see every fucking warning sign but the promise of a quick and easy conclusion to a lingering problem blinded me to better judgment. I usually never go into anything half-cocked (you are lying) and thoroughly research any body that I plan to hire (no you don't). I perform background checks (never once have I done that) and look online to see if other people had positive or negative experiences (you are such a fucking liar you just open a phone book and randomly pick a company).
Stop doing that! (Doing what?) That! Stop contradicting everything I am saying! (Make me!) Fine I am just going to ignore you! (Good luck with that fatass!) Fuck you I am not fat I am strong! (I thought you were going to ignore me tubby!!) This is fucking bullshit! (Not as bullshit as the shit you spew!)
Alright I think we can all ignore the funny man (no you can't). I am going to go overa little background before I go over the warning signs that the lawyer you hired might not be a lawyer at all (no one cares about your background fatty). Seriously stop! (Nope!)
So one day at work I was sitting around the round table complaining about a legal issue I had been dealing with for almost a year at that point. While it was a minor issue I was trying to handle it myself and it just seemed to drag on and on (because you suck). In comes this guy I work with who says that his wife is a lawyer and that she could help me out for next to nothing since I work with him. While it kind of sounded too good to be true I had no reason to suspect this co-worker, he had always been straight up and seemed like a genuinely nice guy albeit one with some anger management issues (you're one to talk about that mr. constant violent outbursts-- oh but they were asking for it right, all of them?).
So I jumped at the chance. Yes I know I should of asked some questions first like what law firm she works for and had a meeting at her office set up but the lure of a quick and easy fix just seemed to good to pass up. Besides, I thought why be pushy considering she was cutting me a huge deal. I was sure she was probably busy all day with her paying clients so the last thing I wanted to do was hound her over a case she was not going to make very much money for (yes because lawyers are always so giving of their time right?).
So with that background in mind here are some of the signs you should look for to determine if the person claiming to be your lawyer is full of shit.
1. She sets up her initial consultation by having you send an email about your case to her "husband" so that he can forward the email to her.
Why- Because of a little thing called attorney client privileges. Why the fuck should her husband be privy to private information about my case. I am a realist, I know doctors, lawyers, and such are human beings and probably blab to everyone they can about some of the fucked up shit they see and hear but they usually at least pretend to value the privacy of their clients or patients. I mean seriously what kind of lawyer has you send an email to their fucking spouse? What kind of amatuer shit is that. Hell it is 3 months later and I still don't have an email address for her and I am not the only one of her "clients" (amazing, there are people as dumb as you out there to fall for this shit).
2. She does almost 99% of her communication with you via text message.
Why- Because we are not goddamn teenagers so texting messaging should not be our sole form of communications. Enough said (bullshit you just lost your train of thought and use some bullshit line like enough said to try and cover that fact).
3. She talks like a goddamn teenager.
Why- Well I should start by saying she reads like a teenager since she almost exclusively only was reachable via text messaging. I think I talked to her on the phone two times and met her once but the remainder was text messages. And what the fuck kind of person who went to college and then law school talks like some teenage girl in heat. Let me give you some examples.
" :) You go getter, you"
Okay honestly I deleted the rest of the messages like an idiot. But from that one you get a pretty solid idea of what I am talking about. The messages were filled with lots of those :) faces and other teenager like talk. It was so bad I had to show them all to Missy just in case she decided to go through my phone and saw the messages and thought I was cheating on her with some high school girl (yeah because high school girls are so interested in you right?).
4. She keeps saying she has filed and mailed things but you see absolutely no proof of anything being done.
Why- Does it really need to be said? She claims things are filed and court dates are set but you call the court house to double check and no one knows what the fuck you are talking about. She claims she sends certified letters to the defendants but they repeatedly swear that they never receive the letters. Out of frustration I actually meet with my so called "lawyer" and have her hand me the letters and I go mail them myself (you had Missy do it you lazy fuck) and miraculously the letters get to the defendant this time.
5. You finally research her and find out she is completely full of shit.
Why- A quick search on the internet reveals she has gone under at least three names in the past few years and none of which are lawyers in the state of Ohio. She did work for a lawyer in the past, but she resigned pending disciplinary action. She did represent someone on a medicaid case for the lawyer she worked for but they lost the case because get this, she never made the phone calls or faxed the papers that she claimed she did.
6. You meet her finally and she is just plain bat shit crazy.
Why- Rather than list out the reasons I will simply post the video Missy shot of us meeting her.
I could go on but quite frankly I have lost interest now (big fucking surprise there).
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