My initial answer to her was to never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Does that comment mean that the things I write about are stuff that I conjure in my head? Not at all. What the comment means is that often times "true stories" are given a certain amount of artistic licenses to embellish and or distort facts to make for a better story. Do you think I honestly remember every detail of an event that happened a decade ago? Of course I do not, so while the general story is true and in tact, I may have had to invent certain dialogue or reactions.
Other times, believe it or not, I have to alter the facts to make a story sound more believable. This might sound outright absurd but I have found that the more outrageous the story is, the more likely that it is entirely true. The more mundane a story and the more likely I have distorted certain facts. Let me give you an example of a story and you can guess what is true and what I made up.
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In 2003 I shared a one bedroom apartment in Indiana with three other men and one woman for two months. During that time one of my roommates starting dating the woman we lived with. Other than the fact that she had gigantic fake tits and some really horrible tattoos she seemed not too out of the ordinary at the time. Don't get me wrong, she was bat shit crazy and on a ton of psyche meds and seemed to flip out of the mere mention of showing her tits. No I never asked because I thought she was too mannish (she was of Russian ancestry and I believe she had a strong influence of Mongolian blood so she was very stout though not overweight) but I do find it funny that you would get fake tits over the top too big and then get offended when men would comment on them. If I wore tight jeans wouldn't I be absurd to get mad when women commented on wanting to see what was behind my impressive bulge?
Anyways the male and female roommates soon moved into their own place a few streets over. Based on his track record of never having a successful relationship ever in his life, we all pretty much knew things would be fucked up. He was a bully and extremely violent over those he felt he could dominate and she was a fucking nut case who was so fucked up on pills and booze most of the time she could barely walk. Too say things in that household got overly violent would be a massive understatement. Since he is not a snitch and in prison for life I can safely tell this story without getting anyone in trouble. She had a few guns and a bulletproof vest. Although I can hardly remember exact details I am sure they were her's because he never had a nickel to his name. Seriously, he was content to make 50 bucks a week being a manager at a tattoo shop. Dispel right now any delusions about how great it must be to work in a tattoo shop. It is extremely boring and unless you are an owner or tattooist you are not making shit for money. All these piercers and managers who desperately hang on to those titles make fuck all for money. They are just too lazy and fucked up to work real jobs so they are content to make less than a hundred bucks a week. I made more than that 15 years ago working a part time job in high school. The point of this part of the story though is that he made her put on a bullet proof vest and he shot her with one of her guns 5 times because he was mad at her about something.
Their relationship did not last long before it imploded. I forget how or why the split but split they did and it wasn't long until she moved away. Oh, the best part about the story? We found out months after she moved away that she had previously been a world famous porn star. Seriously, she had appeared in over 200 films in the early to mid nineties. Seriously among the dozens or so guys who hung out at the time, many of them were what could only be described as pornography connoisseurs, but not one of them recognized her.
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| That is really her |
So can you guess what part of that story was real and what part was fake? I will make it easy on you, the only part that was false was that I only lived with them for a month. After that I moved in with another friend who lived about 15 minutes away because the apartment was simply too crowded. Every other detail is correct and yes that really is a picture of her from her porn days. You can see what I meant by her being "stout". No offense to her because I really have no opinion on her one way or another but I had my chances and never felt one iota of a desire to capitalize and at the time I would say that I was not known for being discerning.
I will never give you an exact run down of which posts I have made that are real and which are distorted and which are just outright fiction. I will say that off the top of my head the only one's I can think of that are outright fiction are fairly obviously meant to be works of fiction, and most of the others are mostly retold as best as I can remember.
One thing I do often do is something common in all "based on a true story" stories. Sometimes for the sake of condensing a story or to make a mundane story more interesting, I will combine two separate stories into a single one. This is done all the time in all forms of media and I admit I sometimes do it. For instance the article about the drink concoction I made to fight the cold I had was mostly true. I did make that drink but the story of having to take a wicked shit and not being able to turn my steering wheel actually happened about a week after I made the drink concoction. I couldn't really make a complete story out of either incidents on their own, there just wasn't enough material, but by combining the two into a single story I had something that I could work with.
Always keep in mind, even the most interesting man in the world's day to day life is probably boring as hell. I worked as a bouncer in a bar for over a month and while it sounds like an exciting job full of a lot of brawls and broken beer bottles it was actually the most boring job I ever had besides the masturbation box job (That is for the next blog entry).
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