I Hate Supermarkets Part 1

Okay I have to admit this is more of a love-hate relationship. I cannot fully hate any place that is chuck full of food. Strolling by the meat counter I fall in love with the assortment of beef, pork, chicken, fish, and whatever the fuck that crap is they season the fuck out of to hide the rotten meat beneath. If I ruled the world I would just set up a grill in the middle of a supermarket and go to town. Endless ground beef patties, steaks, chicken breasts, turkey sausage, pork loins, and hell I would even chow down on some salmon.

Of course there is also other areas of the supermarket worthy of love. Sweet potatoes, red potatoes, Idaho potatoes, rice, breads, and hell who am I lying to--- Donuts!!! Yep I am in love with the various assortments of good food stuff.

But alas like all true loves, it withers on the vine the moment you introduce other people. Whether they are fellow shoppers or employees they all serve to piss me off. For me it starts before I even walk inside the store. As soon as I pull into the parking lot I am in a blind rage. Ass-wipes are flying through the parking lot like it is the autobahn causing near accidents everywhere. Seriously does anyone stop and think they are wielding a giant metal death machine and when you drive recklessly you are putting people's lives at risk.

If I just decide to punch people in the jaw randomly then I am a big bully who will get locked up in prison but apparently people see nothing wrong with nearly running people over by zipping through a parking lot. Sorry but you will most likely survive a punch to the jaw but you are much less likely to survive getting plowed over a car.

And to be perfectly honest I am a fairly shitty driver. I have detailed my lack of driving skills on this blog before and suffice to say that my skills have not improved over the last year. Combine my shitty driving skills with other people acting like the parking lot is the Daytona 500 and you have one extremely pissed off Spartan.

"Who is the Spartan?" Me dumbass! I just watched the movie 300 again so for the next two weeks I will be a Spartan. Maybe I will watch Man in the Iron Mask next week so I can then be a musketeer for a few weeks. They do wear nice tabards after all.

Is there any chance that this guy has not fingered a dozen boys???

So after cruising through the parking lot for a mini-eternity trying to find the perfect parking spot I finally settle on a spot that is farther away then at least half a dozen ones I passed up. I usually try to cover for my lack of parking skills by claiming I like to park farther away to get some extra walking in. Of course this bullshit, I am extremely lazy outside of the gym and the last thing I like to do is make things harder on myself.

The next act is a real killer though. You see, we own a mustang and it is our daily driving car. On a side note, if you live in Columbus Ohio and see a blue flash of lightning pass by you chances are it is Missy driving. I know she drives because she leaves and then comes back and the mustang is gone when she does but try as I might I never actually catch a glimpse of her driving although I do hear a sonic boom about 4 seconds after I see a hazy blue object zoom by.

Back to the topic at hand and that is getting out of the car. I am a big man, obviously, and getting out of a mustang is a bitch. You can't just flop out like a normal size person, instead you have to have impeccable technique to squeeze out of the fucking thing. I remember when mustangs used to be big muscle cars (actually no I don't because that was before I was born but fuck letting the truth get in the way of a good story) but now a hobbit would bitch about the head room.

So now I am almost in a blind rage and Missy is swearing up and down she will never go to the store with me again (she always relents though because who wouldn't want to be seen with a real life ogre).

I am not sure what it is about giving middle aged women shopping carts but it turns them into maniacs. Seriously the movie Mad Max has nothing on an American supermarket.

I am here to shop and fuck shit up

People think road rage is bad but it ain't got shit on shopping cart rage. I will delve into more of this in part 2 as I now have to go to work. I should get paid just to shit around and be awesome but it just hasn't happened yet.

Part 2: Shopping Cart Rage, Serial Rapist Supermarket Managers, Wandering Eyes, and Blocked Lanes.