Instead, this article is about the strategy I employed to defeat the recent cold that I had caught. If you have been following my recent blog entries you will know that I am a big baby when I am sick and absolutely detest it. In fact I hate any and all physical abnormalities whether they be a cold, poison ivy rash, fever blister, or swollen testicles because I have a big ass set of balls. I have records to break and barriers to knock down and getting sick is just not acceptable.
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| I ain't got time to be sick! |
As I felt the tickle in my throat grow to very painful and the chest congestion starting to get overwhelming I accepted the fact that I was getting sick. Even though I accepted that I was getting sick I was not going to take it lying down. I would fight the cold with all the strength that I could muster. Weak people accept being sick but I am strong and I would conquer it.
Since at that stage of the cold the worst part of it was an extremely painful sore throat I decided to combat it on that level. I set about searching on the internet to find some kick ass extreme way to beat that fucking cold to the ground. After checking a few sites I found a slew of different remedies. Shit that people swear will knock that stuff out in a day. Almost all of them revolved around gargling different kinds of fluids, and no that is not a homosexual reference.
So one cold ass morning I stood in the kitchen trying to decide which of the remedies I would use to beat the cold. I had read about people gargling salt in water, cayenne pepper in water, green tea with honey, apple cider vinegar with honey, lemon juice, and something else that slips my mind. Not knowing which to decide on I said fuck it I am using them all.
I mean hell if one of them works, then if I combine all of them in one mega cold killing drink concoction it would super duper work. So I grabbed an assortment of ingredients. I heated up some green tea and to this I added half a bottle of haberno sauce. I then poured in a bottle of cayenne pepper sauce (I had no cayenne pepper). I then dumped about 3 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar. Next came a few squeezes of honey along with some onion, paprika, garlic, and black pepper powder. I then added a shitload of pure lemon juice and rounded things off with a ridiculous amount of salt.
All in all the concoction was large enough to fill a 20 ounce bottle. I knew it would taste like a Korean's taint but I also knew that no cold could survive that fucking bombardment. So with drink in hand I trotted off to my work trunk and started my drive. Along the way I took a big old swig and swished it around my mouth a couple times. Much to my surprise it was not that bad. Sure it wasn't exactly as tasty as breast milk but it wasn't nearly as bad as I had built up in my mind.
Then I tried to gargle that motherfucker and the shit hit the fan. My mouth exploded and I quickly slammed on the brakes and opened my trunk door so I could throw up all over the ice covered street. Since I drive a company truck this was especially awesome since most people would not assume I was throwing up from some cold killing drink concoction but instead was probably throwing up from still being drunk from the night before.
So my first attempt was not all that successful but I was not about to let that keep me down. As I started driving again I took another swig. This one wasn't quite as big as before and I swished it around my mouth a little bit longer. Rather than try to gargle this time I just swallowed the drink. Imagine a throat that was already raw and in intense pain and now add in insane heat to that and I was in fucking misery. I cursed life and everyone around me for a few moments before calming myself down with the warm thoughts of a cold that would be gone by tomorrow morning.
Throughout the work day I continued to alternate between swallowing the drink and trying to gargle it. The results were mixed to say the least but I seemed to be ingesting a decent enough amount to do the trick. I would knock that shit out of the park in no time at all.
At lunch time I did my normal routine and went home to eat. I live in my work area and going home allows me to eat big warm healthy meals rather than some crap from a fast food joint. I forget what I had for lunch but I am sure it was something healthy and easy on the stomach. After my allotted lunch time (cough cough) I got back in my truck to go back to work.
I made it to the main road and then it hit me. To say I had to go to the bathroom would be a massive understatement. A full on assplosion hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I tried my best to hold back the tide but my body wanted to go and it wanted to immediately. My only defense was to rise my ass up off my seat and contort my lower body into a position that I could do a death clinch grip on my ass to hold back the tidal wave.
unfortunately this wedged my body in between the steering wheel in the seat. There is little room as it is between the two and by lifting up and contorting my lower body I had wedged myself so tightly that I could not even turn the steering wheel. I am not joking either, I couldn't turn the fucking wheel without losing my tight ass clinch position and if I did that I knew I was going to fucking lose it. I had no choice but to keep driving straight until I got a break in the pressure. Do you want to know how long that was? It was 20 miles and I am not joking. I ended up driving 20 miles (I was on a major highway) before I could get enough of a pause that I could turn my truck around.
Once turned around I started making my way back towards my house. I was dead set on making it back to my house and for good reason. I absolutely avoid using a public restroom unless I have to. For some reason men seem to make it a goal to get as much shit as possible on the walls, floor, and even ceiling as they can in a public restroom. Not to mention I knew I was going to explode when I finally did hit a toilet and the last thing I wanted was a fucking audience listening in.
So I made it a point to make it back to my house. About 5 miles to go and it hits me again like a ton of bricks. So contorted I go and wedged again I am. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I could get another pause before I came to the turn to my neighborhood. Lord knows I couldn't survive another 20 mile detour. I was sure to have a blowout if I didn't hit a bathroom with in minutes. Hell I wasn't even guaranteed that I wouldn't have a blowout even if I did hit one with in minutes. It took every ounce of my strength to hold the gates against the invasion and they were buckling and about to crumble.
Somehow as if the powers of the universe were aligned in my favor I was able to get a pause to make the turn and make it to my neighborhood. As I stopped in front of my house I texted Missy to make sure the front door was open but that I would have to sit in my truck for a bit to let the next round pass. I sat there waiting and waiting with a look of intense pain on my face. I was contorted and wedged but ready for action. I knew that I had but one brief moment from when I got the pause that I could make a bee line for the house and get to the toilet before a total blowout took effect. It seems that being so close to the finish line made things that much tougher.
I am going to cut out the gory details but I made it, just barely mind you. After finishing I plopped down on my sofa and sat there sweaty and panting with my asshole on fire. I succeeded but only just barely and the price of victory was evident on my face.
Oh yeah, as for the drink concoction it worked about as well as screwing a virgin cures you of the aids. I was even sicker the next day with the added bonus of an asshole of fire. The drink concoction still sits in the cup holder in my work truck, I am afraid to even touch it to throw it out. Maybe one day I will work up the courage to dispose of it but not today.
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