I Can't Believe I Tried This

Have you ever done something for a really good reason that was really fucking stupid. I know that when it comes to getting stronger I have tried about every damn thing under the sun in my quest. Some of these things were actually quite effective and really improved my overall strength and power. On the other hand some of the things I have tried over the years have made me question whether I was borderline retarded.

With the over abundance of fitness guru's and self proclaimed internet stars it is easy to get confused. Everyone seems to have vastly different ideas on how to train and eat and they all seem to contradict one another. This has led me on more than one occasion to follow some pretty shifty advice to say the least. Luckily for myself early on I got to train with some really good people, guys who held world records, and it set me on the right track as far as training is concerned.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that I haven't fallen prey to attempting other things to increase my strength. You see when I am confronted with a problem I try to find a multi-faceted solution to the problem. Many people in the iron game are pretty simple minded in their approach. To them the only thing that matters is training heavy and eating big, fuck science and all that "gay shit".

This could be one of the smartest men in the world but he looks like he is more likely to eat a book than read it.

There is something to be said for this kind of simplistic approach. At the end of the day the desire and motivation to lift and eat heavy will go farther than almost anything out there. I am a big man and I love being a big man and I agree with those two basic tenets wholeheartedly. That does not stop me from attempting other methods though to reach my end goals.

Over the past couple of years these attempts have represented an entire spectrum of ideas. I have tried spiritual means to increase my lifts. I must of prayed to every god of every culture of every time period a time or two. I selfishly demanded that they grant me strength and to forsake all those who are actual believers because I really really really wanted to be strong. If I prayed to Thor one week and missed a lift I  prayed to Jesus the next. If he produced I stuck with him until I missed another lift and it was on to praying to Ares. This might seem like I am making a mockery of religion but ask yourself this, am I the one making a mockery of religion or are the ignorant jackasses who honestly think God gives a shit about the outcome of a sports game the ones really making a mockery of religion.

But this post is not about religious beliefs. It is about the things outside of training and eating that I have done to try and get stronger. One of the more dumb things I tried was to shock myself before a big training session. Due to my job I work around voltages ranging from 60 to 120 volts AC. This is not enough to kill you but unless you are into S&M it is enough to cause you a bit of a jolt. So on more than one occasion I purposely shocked myself with 90 volts to jack me up before a big training day. I have no idea if this helped or hurt my performance but I know that it did leave me feeling a bit weird for a few hours afterward and I don't recall every being dazzled by my progress at the time.

Those things were stupid sure but they really don't hold a candle to what has to rank up there as the dumbest thing I ever did to try and get strong. It started out innocently enough, like a good internet junkie I was surfing the web. This took place in 2009 so at the time I was probably trying to drown out my miserable existence at the time (this was a year before I first met the beautiful Missy [Still want to kick her family's ass for no reason though]). Although I cannot remember the exact circumstances that were going on at the time I am fairly certain I was probably trying to ignore the drunken insults being thrown at me from someone I am glad I no longer have to tolerate. It was under these conditions I found an article online that said that the colder a man's testicles were the more adrenaline his body would produce.

I sat there skimming over the first paragraph of the article and was fascinated. Apparently exposing your suede man-bag to frigid cold triggered some fight or flight response in men. Obviously I could see how this could benefit my quest for maximum strength. Powerlifters are always looking for an edge to get more pumped up before a lift. Some guys listen to violent death metal music, others have people smack them in the face, and the really crazy ones sniff ammonia caps.

So just imagine how excited I am that I may have found that secret edge that would give me an advantage over my training partners or fellow competitors. My only problem was how the hell was I going to expose "das boys" to frigid cold temperatures before a lift.

It was October and while not exactly the high sweltering heat of say August it was still relatively warm outside. It was another two days before our Squat/Deadlift training session and I really wanted to get that extra boost as our training sessions were getting extremely competitive at the time. I think the first night I barely slept at all. I was laying on the sofa staring at the ceiling trying to figure out a solution. After much deliberation the only solution I could come up with was to place a baggy full of ice down my pants as I drove from my house to the gym. It was about a 15-20 minute drive so I hoped that would give me enough time to really get the boys nice and cold.

The day of the training session I was amped up all morning. I could barely concentrate on work as all I thought about was the extra edge this would give me. I kept staring at my cell phone counting down the time until finally it was 5 O'clock. I rushed home as quickly as I could and made a bee line for the refrigerator. I grabbed a baggy on the way and as fast as I could I scooped up the ice and placed it in the baggy. I sealed it up and then changed into my training clothes as quickly as possible. Before I even left the bathroom I wedged the baggy of ice down my pants. I had purposely wore some tighty whities, which I never do, so that the bag of ice would stay put.

Howie Long has the right idea

I placed the bag under the balls so that it kind of rested in between the underwear and the taint. The cold didn't really both me as I have a high tolerance to cold. I was now set so I grabbed my gym bag and headed out the door. I rushed to my car and opened the door and flopped into the seat. That is when I heard the distinct sound of ice getting crushed and felt and intense rush of pain shoot straight up my body all the way to the head. That initial pain was nothing compared to the pain that set in my lower stomach about twenty seconds later.

Somehow as I was sitting down I put so much pressure on my balls that they smashed into the bag of ice basically crushing but the ice and testicles. It was honestly the most painful thing I had ever experienced up to that point. I must of sat in my car for nearly ten minutes not knowing whether I should go to the gym or the hospital. I hurt so bad but I just didn't have the mentality to allow myself any option but to still go to the gym.

Let me tell you this now, trying to drive after smashing ice cubes with your balls is one of the most uncomfortable things you can ever attempt to do. I felt all kinds of hurt that I didn't even know existed. Someone must of been looking out for me though because I somehow made it to the gym unharmed. I literally had to hobble through the door and barely made it to the gym lockers. One of my training partners immediately saw that something was wrong but I played it off as having strained a hamstring and that I would be okay after we started warming up.

I sincerely hoped that would be the case but I can't say that I believed it. I was too scared to examine my balls so I just hobbled my way out of the locker room and made my way to the monolift. I got under the bar and set up to do my first warm up set. I unracked the weight and started to sit back and screamed out in pain as I collapsed back on to the box.  My training partners lent hands to help me up but I told them to leave me be for a minute. My one training partner was a physical therapist and asked me what hurt and I told him I smashed my sac on the way down (I still didn't want to give up my secret yet). So there I am in the middle of a gym that is open to the public and he has me drop my shorts right there. I am literally balls out and I can see from the giant gym mirror that my boys were a horrible color of blue and swollen like tennis balls.

I heard him say an audible "what the fuck" when he saw them. I think he was dumbfounded just how the fuck I managed to do this just by sitting back to squat on a warm up set. I was too embarrassed as it was to say I had shoved a bag full of ice down my pants to try and get an edge and smashed my sac in the process. He told me that I should go to the emergency room but I refused. I pulled my shorts back up and hobbled back to the locker room. I sat on a bench in there for some time wondering just how the fuck could I have gotten myself into this mess. I mustered the strength to rise back up and I checked out the gym computer at the front desk. I looked up the article I had read because I wanted to make a warning comment. The anonymity of the internet allowed me the courage to say what I had done to warn others not to attempt my methods. So I opened up Mozilla firefox and found the article. I scrolled down to find the comment section and ended up reading a bit more of the article.

IT WAS A BULLSHIT ARTICLE, A JOKE, A FUCKING FARCE. Yep despite having above average intelligence I failed to notice that the article was a joke written in jest about how people on the internet fall for all sorts of bullshit "bro-science" when it comes to training.

Yes this is true and yes it took nearly two weeks of pain and swollen balls to return to normal but I learned a lesson that will last a lifetime.