How Fast Can You Spin Around in an Office Chair Until You Move Backwards In Time

A lot of people don't know this, but I spend the first part of each day working in an office and then spend the latter part of the day working in the field. A lot of people don't know this because no one really cares but it was necessary to put that out there. I work for a utility company and part of my job involves being an administrative assistant to our department and the other part involves the standard work of a utility lineman.

And People Want to Outlaw Abortion?????????????

While I probably have an abundance of stories relating to working in the field, ranging from the bizarre to the hilarious, this entry will focus on the first part of my day. I am an administrative assistant for my department, which is a fancy way of saying secretary. Of course I am not officially a secretary (or administrative assistant for that matter), in fact I am not even officially recognized at all for what I do. According to the company I am, no different than any other utility lineman in the department. I am unofficially known as the DMOQ (or D-Mach!!) which either stands for Daily Monitor of Quality or Direct Measure of Quality. No one really seems to know for sure and it doesn't really matter since it is an ad-hoc position.

I do get my own cubicle and a computer that I mostly use to browse through craigslist. I spend most mornings doing just that and struggling to stay awake. Though I sometimes succeed most of the time it is a battle I just can't win. I have a phone but after bumbling enough calls it is now just for show. I think it may still work but most of the time I cannot figure the damn thing out so I rarely succeed in making a phone call. One time I did call a higher up in the company and had it on speaker phone and somehow didn't notice any of this as I talked with another technicians about how raping a prostitute is really just shoplifting. I guess I am lucky the executive had a good sense of humor otherwise it could of been a tricky situation.

So most mornings I sit there at my cubicle with the phone receiver pressed to my ear even though the phone doesn't work. I do it just for show so that people who come by from outside our department leave me alone. I have had ten minute conversations into dead air and I am pretty sure no one was fooled by it but they still left me alone. I guess it doesn't matter whether you are busy or just a little off your rocker, people leave you be just the same.

If we are not bombarded by people from other departments I usually can be found attempting to spin in my chair as fast as possible without tipping myself over. That generally means I am not really spinning around all that fast. I don't like to put myself in situations where I might flip over and get hurt, if I am going to get hurt it will either be from sex or powerlifting and hopefully from both at the same time. There was one time that I did spin an office chair really fast I just didn't happen to be in it. My sister's children did happen to be in it though and man did they cry when the damn chair spun out of my hand and darted across the floor and flipped over on top of them. They seemed to not get hurt by it although I am pretty sure based on the smell one of them shit themselves.

One weird thing you might notice at my office cubicle is that on the calender under the keyboard there is a lot of rocket ships drawn all over it. The reason is that a rocket ship is the only convincing thing you can turn doodles of cock and balls into. Apparently while doing mundane tasks I instinctively just draw cock and balls and don't realize it until well after the fact. While there is no official company policy on drawing cock and balls at your work desk (dumbasses) I error on the side of that it is not a good idea and go back and change what I draw. Unfortunately there is very little you can do to cock and balls that don't make it look like a fancier pair of cock and balls.

So after cruising through craigslist and then following that up with alternating sets of spinning in my chair and drawing cock and balls, I actually have to do some real work. So in about 3 hours time I perform about 20 minutes of paperwork. The problem is that by that time I am so bored out of my mind that I could care less about performing it correctly and so I really half ass it. I send out my reports and with in a few minutes I have people calling my work cell phone asking me to clarify what it means when I say that yesterday we reversed the polarity of the neutron flow to fix an outage. And I know some of you are sitting there scratching your heads on just what the fuck that means but suffice to say it is a catch phrase from some 70s sci-fi television show to explain away some scientific mumbo-jumbo. It would be the equivalent of saying you fixed that knocking sound in your car engine by compressing a piece of coal until it turned into a diamond.

So after all of that is completed I round out my morning by going to the bathroom and texting Missy. I am not sure that waking up to texts from me is ideal but I do make sure it is consistent.