A Brilliant Strategy

No I don't fancy myself some great war general because I can snipe people on some stupid xbox live game like Modern Warfare. Hell I don't even use xbox live and barely use the 360 that I own. The only games I have for it are a few years old so that I can buy them for under ten bucks at some used video game store. I would rather spend my hard earned money on mass quantities of food to stay big and yoked. In my experience most gamers should put away the controllers and pick up some barbells and some turkey legs but that is a topic for another article.

Instead, this article is about the strategy I employed to defeat the recent cold that I had caught. If you have been following my recent blog entries you will know that I am a big baby when I am sick and absolutely detest it. In fact I hate any and all physical abnormalities whether they be a cold, poison ivy rash, fever blister, or swollen testicles because I have a big ass set of balls. I have records to break and barriers to knock down and getting sick is just not acceptable.

 

 

I ain't got time to be sick!

As I felt the tickle in my throat grow to very painful and the chest congestion starting to get overwhelming I accepted the fact that I was getting sick. Even though I accepted that I was getting sick I was not going to take it lying down. I would fight the cold with all the strength that I could muster. Weak people accept being sick but I am strong and I would conquer it.

Since at that stage of the cold the worst part of it was an extremely painful sore throat I decided to combat it on that level. I set about searching on the internet to find some kick ass extreme way to beat that fucking cold to the ground. After checking a few sites I found a slew of different remedies. Shit that people swear will knock that stuff out in a day. Almost all of them revolved around gargling different kinds of fluids, and no that is not a homosexual reference.

So one cold ass morning I stood in the kitchen trying to decide which of the remedies I would use to beat the cold. I had read about people gargling salt in water, cayenne pepper in water, green tea with honey, apple cider vinegar with honey, lemon juice, and something else that slips my mind. Not knowing which to decide on I said fuck it I am using them all.

I mean hell if one of them works, then if I combine all of them in one mega cold killing drink concoction it would super duper work. So I grabbed an assortment of ingredients. I heated up some green tea and to this I added half a bottle of haberno sauce. I then poured in a bottle of cayenne pepper sauce (I had no cayenne pepper). I then dumped about 3 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar. Next came a few squeezes of honey along with some onion, paprika, garlic, and black pepper powder. I then added a shitload of pure lemon juice and rounded things off with a ridiculous amount of salt.

All in all the concoction was large enough to fill a 20 ounce bottle. I knew it would taste like a Korean's taint but I also knew that no cold could survive that fucking bombardment. So with drink in hand I trotted off to my work trunk and started my drive. Along the way I took a big old swig and swished it around my mouth a couple times. Much to my surprise it was not that bad. Sure it wasn't exactly as tasty as breast milk but it wasn't nearly as bad as I had built up in my mind.

Then I tried to gargle that motherfucker and the shit hit the fan. My mouth exploded and I quickly slammed on the brakes and opened my trunk door so I could throw up all over the ice covered street. Since I drive a company truck this was especially awesome since most people would not assume I was throwing up from some cold killing drink concoction but instead was probably throwing up from still being drunk from the night before.

So my first attempt was not all that successful but I was not about to let that keep me down. As I started driving again I took another swig. This one wasn't quite as big as before and I swished it around my mouth a little bit longer. Rather than try to gargle this time I just swallowed the drink. Imagine a throat that was already raw and in intense pain and now add in insane heat to that and I was in fucking misery. I cursed life and everyone around me for a few moments before calming myself down with the warm thoughts of a cold that would be gone by tomorrow morning.

Throughout the work day I continued to alternate between swallowing the drink and trying to gargle it. The results were mixed to say the least but I seemed to be ingesting a decent enough amount to do the trick. I would knock that shit out of the park in no time at all.

At lunch time I did my normal routine and went home to eat. I live in my work area and going home allows me to eat big warm healthy meals rather than some crap from a fast food joint. I forget what I had for lunch but I am sure it was something healthy and easy on the stomach. After my allotted lunch time (cough cough) I got back in my truck to go back to work.

I made it to the main road and then it hit me. To say I had to go to the bathroom would be a massive understatement. A full on assplosion hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I tried my best to hold back the tide but my body wanted to go and it wanted to immediately. My only defense was to rise my ass up off my seat and contort my lower body into a position that I could do a death clinch grip on my ass to hold back the tidal wave.

unfortunately this wedged my body in between the steering wheel in the seat. There is little room as it is between the two and by lifting up and contorting my lower body I had wedged myself so tightly that I could not even turn the steering wheel. I am not joking either, I couldn't turn the fucking wheel without losing my tight ass clinch position and if I did that I knew I was going to fucking lose it. I had no choice but to keep driving straight until I got a break in the pressure. Do you want to know how long that was? It was 20 miles and I am not joking. I ended up driving 20 miles (I was on a major highway) before I could get enough of a pause that I could turn my truck around.

Once turned around I started making my way back towards my house. I was dead set on making it back to my house and for good reason. I absolutely avoid using a public restroom unless I have to. For some reason men seem to make it a goal to get as much shit as possible on the walls, floor, and even ceiling as they can in a public restroom. Not to mention I knew I was going to explode when I finally did hit a toilet and the last thing I wanted was a fucking audience listening in.

So I made it a point to make it back to my house. About 5 miles to go and it hits me again like a ton of bricks. So contorted I go and wedged again I am. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I could get another pause before I came to the turn to my neighborhood. Lord knows I couldn't survive another 20 mile detour. I was sure to have a blowout if I didn't hit a bathroom with in minutes. Hell I wasn't even guaranteed that I wouldn't have a blowout even if I did hit one with in minutes. It took every ounce of my strength to hold the gates against the invasion and they were buckling and about to crumble.

Somehow as if the powers of the universe were aligned in my favor I was able to get a pause to make the turn and make it to my neighborhood. As I stopped in front of my house I texted Missy to make sure the front door was open but that I would have to sit in my truck for a bit to let the next round pass. I sat there waiting and waiting with a look of intense pain on my face. I was contorted and wedged but ready for action. I knew that I had but one brief moment from when I got the pause that I could make a bee line for the house and get to the toilet before a total blowout took effect. It seems that being so close to the finish line made things that much tougher.

I am going to cut out the gory details but I made it, just barely mind you. After finishing I plopped down on my sofa and sat there sweaty and panting with my asshole on fire. I succeeded but only just barely and the price of victory was evident on my face.

Oh yeah, as for the drink concoction it worked about as well as screwing a virgin cures you of the aids. I was even sicker the next day with the added bonus of an asshole of fire. The drink concoction still sits in the cup holder in my work truck, I am afraid to even touch it to throw it out. Maybe one day I will work up the courage to dispose of it but not today.

Dedication

What separates the best from everyone else? A lot of people would say it was great genetics and natural talent. Those at the top would say it is hard work and dedication. The truth is that it is some of both. We all know people out there that were born for athletic talent. Results come easy to them and they are able to excel even with a lazy work ethic and piss poor training. On the other side of the equation there are those who will slave away training and never amount to a bucket of piss in anything.

This transcends sports and delves into all aspects of life. In school I was naturally gifted at certain subjects like mathematics and history. Where as others had to slave away with long hours of studying I showed up to the test late (and sometimes drunk) and turned in the test ten minutes later and would get the highest score in the class. I am sure this pissed off that person who had spent every night that week plugging away hitting the books only to come back with a C+.

Life is not fair. We are told that as children but it really needs to sink in. While I may have been excellent at math and history I had poor grammar and spelling. Where as I could get by with barely studying (and sometimes not at all) for math I could ill afford to do the same when I came to English class. Hell I graduated with honors but failed fucking photography for fucks sake.

Ever seen Mike Tyson in his boxing prime play basketball? He was getting schooled by Don King's old ass. This is one of the greatest athletes in the world at the time with the basketball coordination of a white guy with downs syndrome.

Why am I saying all this? Because while you cannot change what you are born with you do have control over your work ethic and dedication. While it may not make you the best, a strong work ethic will make you much better than what you are. Want to know why I can bench press more than you? It is certainly not because I was naturally strong in the bench press.

There was a time as a grown adult at 250 lbs. and I could barely even bench press 135 lbs. for one rep. That is one freaking 45 pound plate on each side of the bar. It was pathetic and embarrassing. Do you know what secret methods I used to raise my bench press from a paltry 135 lbs. to where it is now? Hard ass work that is what. While I had a strong ass deadlift my bench  press crawled along. I had to fight for every 5 pound increase. It was rough watching guys smaller than me bench pressing the same as me while the big boys left me in a trail of dust.

While this would cause some people to give up in frustration it made me mad. A rage built up inside of me, a fiery cauldron of hatred that boiled over into every aspect of my life. I snapped at every motherfucker around me because anything outside of making my bench press stronger was a distraction I didn't need. You ask me for directions because you are lost and I would lift you in the air and throw you across the side walk.

I was a walking time bomb that had only one goal in life. I slaved away in the gym sometimes being at the gym 7 days a week 3 times a day. Before work I was there, after work I was there, during my lunch break I was there.

Soon I watched barriers fall. I remember the day I bench press 225 lbs. (2 plates per side). Everyone around me was happy for me but I told them to fuck off. I didn't want 225, I wanted to smash them and leave them in my dust. I didn't have time to be happy over a pathetic bench press.

Every milestone I hit after that I remember the same range of emotions. Anger and hatred seething through me even though soon I was beating those around me. People in the gym were now coming up to me and asking me how to get their bench press stronger. I used to be the guy doing the asking (and I still do because there is always someone stronger) and now I was being asked. I gave back what helped me, it is the only way to honor all those world record holder bench pressers who continue to help guide me. Pass on the free knowledge they gave me.

What is funny is I will help anyone who asks but you can see it in their eyes. Some guys have it and will succeed and others you just know will fail. It is not whether they are cocky or humble but it is in their eyes. You can see those who despite their words are a predator at heart and those who are a prey. You have to be a predator in this world. The prey will always curl up and die at the first sign of failure.

Now I pass on all my collective knowledge to Missy. She has been bitten by the Iron Bug and has become obsessed with powerlifting (and is there anything else worth being obsessed over besides Missy herself). I can see in those sexy brown eyes (and brown eye) of her's that she has that fire and passion that will carry her to the top. Even more so than me she has so much dedication I am just simply amazed. She chugs along in the Deadlifter's Fortress despite the fact that the gym's heating system sucks and she freezes her (very nice) butt off. She puts up with my incessant coaching and no nonsense attitude when it comes to training. She does everything I do despite my years of building up a strong work rate and her being new to this.

She will be a top lifter in her weight class. Maybe one of the greatest of all time. What about you? What will you do? It doesn't have to be powerlifting but it sure as fuck better be something in life. Live for something and don't make that something your next fix (and yes alcohol is a drug that is worse than heroin and crack). The glory of success is a better high than any bullshit drug. Live for the moment and be the best you can fucking be in this life. Missy and I will be.

Don't Fall for the Latest Trappings

It is so easy in this world to get lost in the maze of high tech gadgetry and newfangled inventions. Anymore it seems like unless you buy a new television or computer every week you are left behind in the race of technology. I am not even sure if I know the difference between an Ipod, Ipad, PDA,Kindle, E-reader, or any other assortment of high tech gadgets used now. Hell is PDA even cutting edge anymore or is it now in the techno graveyard alongside VCRs and fleshlights?

I feel like a dinosaur anymore. Where as at one time I tried to keep up in the techno race with all the latest cutting edge stuff, I have now accepted that my time has passed. I prefer a good old fashioned desktop computer or laptop to the fancy nancy tablet bullshit I see metro-sexual looking guys with painted fingernails using. I remember  back in the days of the world wide web when only the super dorks and geeks used the thing and if you were chatting with people there was zero chance you would ever meet them.

Now a days you can go online and strike up a conversation and be fucking that person later that night. It is a crazy world we live in I guess.

That is the reason why I love powerlifting. No matter how fancy the world gets there is just something so primal and beastly about lifting heavy ass weights. There is no complicated equations or fancy gadgets that will make you strong, only hard ass work and dedication.

I know some people might take exception to that. You see several decades back someone came up with the concept of gear for powerlifting, squat suits, bench shirts, etc. While at the beginning these were mostly just extremely tight fitting polyester or canvas shirts or suits that protected the lifters from injury when lifting heavy weights, it was quickly found that their tightness provided a certain amount of rebound for the lifter allowing them to lift heavier weights. Of course this turned into a race to see who could make shirts and suits that provided the most amount of carryover in the lift.

So powerlifting gear makers started experimenting by making multiple layers (multiply) and making the shirts open back so you could jack them tighter and also using newer and better material. While at one time you would be lucky to be able to lift 20 more pounds in a bench shirt now a days 200 lbs. or more is quite common. To give you an idea, the current unequiped (raw) bench press world record is 715 lbs and the current equiped is 1075 lbs. That equates to over 300 lbs. of carryover at the least.

You will find about the same numbers in regards to the squat. There is the famous example of a guy squatting 1200 pounds in a multiply meet and then in a raw meet barely hitting over 600.

This has created a big divide in the sport of powerlifting as some people believe in using all the gear they can, while some believe in a moderate amount of gear (like single ply divisions that allow only suits and shirts made of certain materials and only one layer in thickness) and those in raw divisions. Even the raw brigade is divided over whether you should be allowed to wear a belt or knee wraps to be considered raw. And then there is the whole debate over using a monolift for squats verses having to use squat stands and walking the squats out. It is enough to make one's head spin.

But honestly fuck all that debate. No bench shirt or squat suit has ever lifted a goddamn pound of weight. At the end of the day it is human strength and power that does the lifting. I could care less how someone powerlifts I respect anyone out on the platform making personal records. While I think gear has gotten out of hand it is not going to change anytime soon. Most of the strongest men in the world (especially from the USA) lift in multiply gear and it is here to stay.

Back to the topic at hand and that is the simplicity and beauty of powerlifting. At its core it involves the BIG THREE lifts, that is Squat, Bench Press, and Deadlift. Although it is no longer a contested lift at major events some people like myself like to lump in the Overhead Press. While it does not contribute to one's total I like having two upper body strength lifts as well as two lower body strength lifts, plus I think it is just goddamn awesome to lift something over your head like some goddamn caveman.

Powerlifting allows me to channel my anger at the world into something. I am pissed off a lot quite frankly. I feel like this world looked at me on day one and shook its head no and from then on I just never fit in. I have always felt like I walked alone in this world and things would never really make sense for me. I feel like when things finally started to make sense and I started to feel some happiness the world decided to steal my father away from me in revenge.

Underneath it all I am a ticking time bomb of rage and anger. I want to lash out at the person who cuts me off in traffic or the idiot who blocks the lane in the grocery store. I want to unleash my fury on every motherfucker who has ever gotten in my way. I am so full of hatred inside of me I feel it boiling over any minute now.

Powerlifting keeps that hatred in check. I channel that raw emotion into each lift and put it all on the platform. I know every time that I train I leave a little bit of my life behind. It is  not healthy to push your body to its physical limits and beyond but I do it because otherwise my hatred would of consumed me long ago. I was a moody and angry child and grew up to be a moody and angry adult and I need my outlet before I go off the deep end. I have it in me but I keep it down but only barely.

Powerlifting needs not to be complicated. Its beauty is the raw simplicity that it beholds. Men have been picking things up off the ground or lifting things over their heads since prehistoric times. Signs of strength and power meant that you were the one who bred with the beautiful women and passed on your seed. Now all kinds of weak people bred and we have a weak society.

Don't get caught up in the fads of strength training. Kettlebells, barbell complexes, hand stand pushups, and other things are nice but never forget what has made man strong for thousands of years. Squat, deadlift, overhead press, and bench press (if only so you can throw out some big ass number anytime someone asks what you can bench).

Oh and keep in mind if you ask me what I can bench it just lets me know you don't train. Anyone worth a damn knows that deadlifting or squatting are much better representations of strength than benching is. In fact bench pressing is the least functional of all the big lifts. If someone tells me what they deadlift or squat I know exactly how strong that individual is, bench pressing tells me nothing.

Some Signs That Your Lawyer Might Not Actually Be A Lawyer

You know I really wish I didn't have to write this blog entry but unfortunately I do. You see just like picking up a hooker in Thailand with an adam's apple I should of seen the warning signs but I didn't. You know those little things that click in your head and make you take pause and question someone around you.

Maybe I should be a bit more honest, I did see every fucking warning sign but the promise of a quick and easy conclusion to a lingering problem blinded me to better judgment. I usually never go into anything half-cocked (you are lying) and thoroughly research any body that I plan to hire (no you don't). I perform background checks (never once have I done that) and look online to see if other people had positive or negative experiences (you are such a fucking liar you just open a phone book and randomly pick a company).

Stop doing that! (Doing what?) That! Stop contradicting everything I am saying! (Make me!) Fine I am just going to ignore you! (Good luck with that fatass!) Fuck you I am not fat I am strong! (I thought you were going to ignore me tubby!!) This is fucking bullshit! (Not as bullshit as the shit you spew!)

Alright I think we can all ignore the funny man (no you can't). I am going to go overa little background before I go over the warning signs that the lawyer you hired might not be a lawyer at all (no one cares about your background fatty). Seriously stop! (Nope!)

So one day at work I was sitting around the round table complaining about a legal issue I had been dealing with for almost a year at that point. While it was a minor issue I was trying to handle it myself and it just seemed to drag on and on (because you suck). In comes this guy I work with who says that his wife is a lawyer and that she could help me out for next to nothing since I work with him. While it kind of sounded too good to be true I had no reason to suspect this co-worker, he had always been straight up and seemed like a genuinely nice guy albeit one with some anger management issues (you're one to talk about that mr. constant violent outbursts-- oh but they were asking for it right, all of them?).

So I jumped at the chance. Yes I know I should of asked some questions first like what law firm she works for and had a meeting at her office set up but the lure of a quick and easy fix just seemed to good to pass up. Besides, I thought why be pushy considering she was cutting me a huge deal. I was sure she was probably busy all day with her paying clients so the last thing I wanted to do was hound her over a case she was not going to make very much money for (yes because lawyers are always so giving of their time right?).

So with that background in mind here are some of the signs you should look for to determine if the person claiming to be your lawyer is full of shit.

1. She sets  up her initial consultation by having you send an email about your case to her "husband" so that he can forward the email to her.

Why- Because of a little thing called attorney client privileges. Why the fuck should her husband be privy to private information about my case. I am a realist, I know doctors, lawyers, and such are human beings and probably blab to everyone they can about some of the fucked up shit they see and hear but they usually at least pretend to value the privacy of their clients or patients. I mean seriously what kind of lawyer has you send an email to their fucking spouse? What kind of amatuer shit is that. Hell it is 3 months later and I still don't have an email address for her and I am not the only one of her "clients" (amazing, there are people as dumb as you out there to fall for this shit).

2. She does almost 99% of her communication with you via text message.

Why- Because we are not goddamn teenagers so texting messaging should not be our sole form of communications. Enough said (bullshit you just lost your train of thought and use some bullshit line like enough said to try and cover that fact).

3. She talks like a goddamn teenager.

Why- Well I should start by saying she reads like a teenager since she almost exclusively only was reachable via text messaging. I think I talked to her on the phone two times and met her once but the remainder was text messages. And what the fuck kind of person who went to college and then law school talks like some teenage girl in heat. Let me give you some examples.

" :) You go getter, you"

Okay honestly I deleted the rest of the messages like an idiot. But from that one you get a pretty solid idea of what I am talking about. The messages were filled with lots of those :) faces and other teenager like talk. It was so bad I had to show them all to Missy just in case she decided to go through my phone and saw the messages and thought I was cheating on her with some high school girl (yeah because high school girls are so interested in you right?).

4. She keeps saying she has filed and mailed things but you see absolutely no proof of anything being done.

Why- Does it really need to be said? She claims things are filed and court dates are set but you call the court house to double check and no one knows what the fuck you are talking about. She claims she sends certified letters to the defendants  but they repeatedly swear that they never receive the letters. Out of frustration I actually meet with my so called "lawyer" and have her hand me the letters and I go mail them myself (you had Missy do it you lazy fuck) and miraculously the letters get to the defendant this time.

5. You finally research her and find out she is completely full of shit.

Why- A quick search on the internet reveals she has gone under at least three names in the past few years and none of which are lawyers in the state of Ohio. She did work for a lawyer in the past, but she resigned pending disciplinary action. She did represent someone on a medicaid case for the lawyer she worked for but they lost the case because get this, she never made the phone calls or faxed the papers that she claimed she did.

 6. You meet her finally and she is just plain bat shit crazy.

Why- Rather than list out the reasons I will simply post the video Missy shot of us meeting her.

I could go on but quite frankly I have lost interest now (big fucking surprise there).

Some Random Thoughts

I have noticed that as I grow older I have become more discerning in life. I used to be able to write about any and everything but lately when I sit down to write I quickly lose interest. Often times after the first paragraph or two I grow so bored with what I am writing that I just erase it. Sometimes I start writing about another topic and sometimes I just give up all together and play some stupid game online like bubble shooter.

Other times I write and erase and write and erase and so on up to a dozen times before I finally churn out something I am half way interested in writing. That is the thing, if I am not even kept interested while writing the piece how the hell is anyone going to keep interest while reading it? That is one reason that many writers bore me, I honestly feel like if they had to sit down and read their own shit they would probably fall asleep.

Sometimes I read things I wrote from ten years ago and think wow, did I use to suffer from down syndrome or some shit? Some of the things I used to write just seems so awful by the standards I now hold. I wonder in ten years will I look back to this blog and be appalled like I am now by what I used to write? Who the fuck knows. I don't even care to be honest.

I sometimes think it is easier for me to write when I am in a shitty mood. That never used to be a problem because I was generally a pretty miserable person in the past. In the last year I experienced this crazy thing called finding someone who makes you happy and since then I seem to have a bit of melancholy when it comes to writing. Hell is melancholy even the correct word to use? I don't know, I am not even sure I know what the fucking word means. I am pretty sure I heard it in a Barenaked Ladies song and that was enough to justify using it in a sentence.

I have churned out a few entries this week if for no other reason than I am sick and being cranky. This gives me an outlet to rant. Before I ranted about having shitty neighbors, but hell in my new neighborhood I am probably the worst motherfucker on the block and I am not even that bad anymore. This is that boring ass suburban street that is quiet, beautiful, and just plain ordinary.

I am pretty sure my neighbor beside me hates his wife and kids. I got that impression because he spends every chance he can outside working on whatever the fuck excuse of a job he can come up with. At first dawn he is out the door and doesn't go back inside until well after sunset. He spent all summer building a tree house for his kids but I am pretty sure he only built it so he could look in my back window and watch me get undressed.

My neighbor on the other side looks like some boring book worm fuck-face. He is a dick to his small boy and seems like a bossy prick. He probably masturbates a lot and I am sure he thinks about me sometimes when he does. I am positive all my neighbors fantasize about me because I am just that much of a fucking man.

So that's the rundown. Nothing worth a damn to even talk about. I don't even party anymore otherwise I could be the shitty neighbor that I used to write about. But alas I am fairly boring now. I work and train and that is it. Sometimes I write and other times I play a few games but most of my life is spent training or thinking about training or researching training methods. It has consumed almost all my life.

I did train tonight by the way. It was tough between being sick and all the crap I am taking to mask the fucking symptoms of being sick. I didn't feel weak, actually the weights felt very light, but I didn't feel like I had any "horsepower." Everything felt slow and like I had no get up and go to me. I didn't feel that explosive strength I usually feel when I am training. Today's training was a lighter day so it kind of worked out but tomorrow is max effort squat/deadlift training so it will be interesting to see how that plays out.

I hope to feel better by tomorrow but even if I don't I will just reach down into the special place and pull out some spectacular shit. I don't like reaching down into that hidden reserve because you need to save that for special moments but I feel that this is one of those. The last thing I want to do is allow this sickness to over take me. I am going to fight back and give it all I have got and move some damn weights around.

Hopefully by this time tomorrow night Missy is not pealing me off the gym floor with a snow shovel. Hopefully I am still in one piece and Missy is taking advantage of me in ways that I cannot write about....

I Hate Being Sick

There I said it. I hate being sick and do not react well to it in the least. I am a big old baby and want to just curl up and die when I am sick. I hate anything that I think debilitates me whether it is a cold, flu, fever blister, poison ivy rash, or an out break of genital warts.

I don't have genital warts mind you but I have to imagine that I would hate if I had an out break of them all the same. You see you don't have to try things to know you would not like it. Some things, like herpes, gay sex, or getting fisted I just know I would not like to experience.

So this latest bout of sickness started on Sunday. For weeks at work I had been bombarded with genetically inferior sickly piss ant motherfuckers spreading their filthy degenerative sicknesses around the offices. Seriously what kind of piece of shit subhuman child raping scumbag would show up to work sick? The same kind of sick fucks that have herpes or aids and fuck other people without telling them. Sorry but a sickness is a sickness and you have no right to spread your filthy diseases and illnesses to innocent people. There would be no health care problems in this country if not for losers who go to work while being sick. If you are sick keep your week genetically inferior fucked up ass at home. You seriously deserve to die otherwise.

So after weeks of fighting off repeated exposure to low life sick people I finally felt a tickle in my throat on Sunday. I knew what this was a sign of but I tried to be in denial. Missy and I loaded up in the car and went over to lowes to buy some concrete blocks to put in the dragging sled we made. I ended up buying about 200 pounds worth of blocks for about 7 dollars which wasn't too bad. Once we got home we gave it a go and did some sprints while dragging a weighted sled behind us. These are intense under the best of circumstances but they were even harder because of the chest congestion I was feeling.

You see, while other people I work with just go home and pulp their lazy asses down and play video games and drink beer I am actually busting my ass smashing fucking weights and doing sprints and other conditioning drills. For them being sick is a minor inconvenience where as for me it affects my training which to me is the most important thing in my life outside of Missy's Boobies (honk honk).

So on Monday my chest congestion was far worse and extremely painful. I still muscled through a training session. It was not easy but we nailed a great squat/deadlift training session. Tuesday I felt even worse. I somehow managed to still bust out a quick but intense shoulder and lat training session. I set a pretty big personal record on overhead press so I was happy. Wednesday was absolutely brutal and I barely managed to scrap by. Missy and I both came to the conclusion that it was in my best interest to push back that night's training session another day to try and recover. Unfortunately Thursday I was doing worse. Chest congestion was now joined with head congestion, fever, cold chills, and long balls that kept falling out of my shorts.

Thursday we decided to hold back our training yet again. It would probably do more harm than good at this point. I don't like missing training for being lazy but I have no problem when it is the right thing to do and in this case it was the right thing to do. That is why Missy is great, she tells me earlier that my non-erect penis looks like a big muffin, and she helps guide my training. An objective observer who's opinion I can trust. She can let me know when I am being lazy and when I am being smart. The perfect trainer and she is smoking hot so me and my blueberry muffin win out on all accounts.

Today is Friday and I am still feeling like shit. My head is no longer congested thanks to clariton but I am still coughing like crazy. We are going to train tonight. A quick but intense dynamic bench press session. Just 4 lifts but we will hit them heavy and hard and get in and out. These can be the best training sessions you will ever have. Boring but strength and size builders.

And just for the record Missy got sick before me and didn't falter for one second. She trained right alongside me without complaint and helped work on the gym and always woke up early to make breakfast and do other things for me. She really is a champ because I am a total weeny when I am sick but she troopered through. That is why women have children and men don't. We would cave under the pressure.

Alright I am done with this shit for right now.

Nutrition

This article is about nutrition, a no non-sense guide to eating right. But honestly who give's a flying fuck. Barely anyone even reads this fucking shit any longer and the few people that do could give a shit less about training and nutrition. Hell who the fuck really does care besides weirdos like me.

I am a bit cranky because I am sick as hell and achy and a little high on cold medicine yet again. Not that it helps since I am coughing like crazy and my nose is rubbed raw from using paper towels instead of tissues to blow my nose. But I guess it is a small worthwhile trade off. Not really, I am just talking out of my ass again.

I am still going to do what I set out to do. If by some small glimmer of hope someone stumbles upon this blog and has some honest questions about nutrition maybe they might learn a thing or two. At the very least I hope they learn to never fall for any of the bullshit gimmicks that people on the internet and talks shows promote on a daily basis.

If you get nothing else from this entry please above all us let this one lesson sink into your thick skull, don't fall for any diet gimmicks. It is absolutely a crime what these no good fucks do on a regular basis. Want to know how to separate the good diets from the bad diets, I will tell you point blank how to tell the difference. If it says ****Blank***** diet then it is full of shit. Yes you read that write, anything that has to come up with some name and follow it up with diet is a full of shit scam.

Lets throw some names out there, Paleo, Zone, Atkins, South Beach, Mediterranean, Gluten-free, or the newest one Viking diet. This is just a tiny list of gimmicky diets people are bombarding fat people with every day. While some of them may have a few merits to them they are all a bunch of shit.

Look at bodybuilders, the people who make it their livelihood to have extremely low levels of bodyfat, you want to know something interesting about their diets? They are all different. Some of them do carb cycling, some do low carb, some eat higher carbs, and everything  in between.

So how can people use vastly different dieting methods to achieve the same results? Because at the end of the day it really doesn't matter that much.

It is not rocket science, we all know what are good healthy foods. I know some people would have you believe that you have to live off of raw beef, natural milk, and cow's blood but the truth is that it is far from that complicated. Lean meats, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and some dairy. Honestly how many people do you know that are fat that make chicken breast and broccoli a mainstay of their diet?

Of course you don't  have to always stick to the above list. I eat potatoes, white rice, and other "no-no's" quite a bit. Some would tell you that you should only have brown rice and that white rice is basically like mainlining sugar. Seriously fuck off already, are you trying to tell me a bowl of rice is the same as eating a bowl of gummi bears. Don't be retarded. It is not white rice that is making people fat, it is eating huge portions of white rice smothered in deep fried chicken with a sweet sauce that is making people fat.

If you eat more calories than you burn you will gain weight. Most people need to gain weight. Any man under 200 lbs. is a woman. Get big and strong and stop being a pussy. Don't be a lard ass though so eat clean and good for the most part with some slip ups here and there.

If you need to lose weight do the same thing as to gain weight just eat a little less. If you want a doughnut eat a fucking doughnut. Hell eat 5 of the fucking things. Just don't eat them that often. Say I am great on my diet for 6 straight days, eating clean food and losing weight. I get a craving on day 7 and go out to get A doughnut. As I get to the doughnut shop I have a moment of weakness and get a dozen. As I am driving home I tell myself just to eat two or three at the most. Someone else will want the rest. I worked hard so I can afford to have two or three.

Once I get home I get a small plate and load it down with two doughnuts. I quickly tear through them and then wash them down with a big glass of milk. I stare at the box for a moment like some stand off at high noon before I cave in and grab 4 more. I whack them out faster than a mob hit and down another big glass of milk.

Depending on the kind of doughnuts and the kind of milk I am looking at anywhere from 2000 calories or MORE. One moment of weakness and I just consumed about a days worth of calories for most normal people in one setting and it was mostly junk calories. High in sugars and fats, which are a  bad combination.

Guess what? Big deal. Don't get depressed and disgusted with yourself and give up in frustration. For one thing do you think your body only looks at calories on a daily basis? Hell no it doesn't. So what if you eat one bad day so long as the other 6 days you have ate a calorie deficit that was greater than the calorie surplus from your day of cheating.

Hell even if your overall calories for the week were in a surplus because of your day of cheating it is still not that big a deal so long as you make up for it for the next week. ---

My balls keep falling out of my boxer shorts. It actually hurt a bit when I repositioned myself on the sofa and my balls scrapped against the sofa cushion. It has a rather rough texture and kind of hurt. Missy gave me a hard time saying that my balls were touching places where company sits but I don't really see the problem. My balls are clean, if a bit long, so in the immortal words of Hank, "it's not that big a deal."

Speaking of which what kind of person fighting for the person they supposedly love so much would sound so much like a damn insurance salesman? Not that it matters much now but it was really telling to me at the time. If you try to take someone I love from me you better believe you will elicit a much greater reaction from me. I think deep down the person knew things were over but just couldn't bring himself to "lose." ---

Nutrition really is simple. If you want to gain weight eat more and you want to lose weight eat less. Make better choices daily, swap out regular bread for 100% Whole Wheat bread, or better yet just reduce your overall intake of breads. Switch ground beef for a 90/10 or better ground beef. Eat chicken/turkey bratwurst instead of high fat pork bratwurst. Drink 1% or skim milk and avoid the cookies and ice cream. I mean have them sometimes but very very little. These are just very basic guidelines but I could go on and on. It is not really that hard to make these small changes and honestly I love eating healthy once I learned how to do it in a sane fashion.

In closing I love Missy and want to touch her in her "no-no" spot. Wish me luck!!!