So why in fact did I chose the song Behind Blue Eyes for the title to this blog entry? I have heard multiple interpretations to the lyrics of the song ranging from it is about a pedophile, to being about a cop, or even being about Pete Townsend and his drug use. I don't really care what some self indulged drugged out rocker meant behind the words though. For me, I take things and apply them as I see fit.
I find more and more that very few people know the true me. This is not without reason since I put on a front or act to nearly everyone around me. Behind my calm but laughing and jovial demeanor hides a lonely and tragic figure who cannot relate to most of the world around him. I don't feel a sense of closeness to most people that others feel.
That is not to say that I do not care about about those around me. If anything I care quite a bit, but even those I care about the most I feel intensely uncomfortable being around them for any length of time. I cannot even pick up the phone and call someone I have been friends with for years without feeling a great sense of anxiety. Even around my own family I feel like an outsider looking in.
Have you ever heard of the story of Atlas? He was a titan of Greek mythology who supported the spheres of the heavens upon his back. That is the way I often feel like, that the weight of the world rests upon my shoulders. It does not make any sense really since I am not a world leader or person of great importance but all the same I feel that stress in my day to day life.
I am not crazy nor am I suicidal. I took this picture the other night and it would appear I was either one or the other but I am neither. I am not even sure why I took the picture. I had an extremely stressful weekend filled with so many ups and downs I could fill an entire book. By the time Sunday evening rolled around I was exhausted and had no where left to go but inward. I didn't like what I found there so I searched outward for a means of feeling pain so that I might remember what it felt like to be alive. But I am not one for self inflicting pain so I settled on taking a lame photograph of myself holding an unloaded gun to my head with a semi-crazy look on my face.
The other day the person I consider closest to me, in every way possible, told me there was something tragic in my eyes. Behind all the laughing and joking there was a look of pain. I tried down playing it at the time but this person seems knows me better than that and saw right through my attempts.
Certainly the fact that I cannot grow a good mustache does weight heavily upon my mind in this picture but there are far greater implications. Since the person said this, I have looked at this picture often to try and see what they had seen.
I posted a video today on my facebook profile from the 2009 movie Doubt with Meryl Streep. No I am not turning homosexual, I just happened to run across the ending of the movie on youtube and thought it conveyed my own beliefs. I have doubt, such doubts that I will ever be able to be truly happy in life. There are moments in life I begin to feel like I am getting closer to finding a sense of happiness I hear about so often in movies and on television but then it seems like bad news rears its ugly head. Something waiting in the wings to tear it down before it can even grow. In the end I just put on my sunglasses and pretend like nothing bothers me, an indestructible rock devoid of emotions, while inside another piece of me dies.
What's worse is that I am afraid that I will push away the one person who does understand me. I want to warn them not to go searching further because they will not like what they find.
With that out of the way and off my chest I will go back to the Jason Act and being the laughing funny person everyone expects.
---Edited Feb. 2012--- I have for some time debated about whether or not to delete this entry. I have mixed emotions about the post. This was written during one of the most difficult periods of my life. My former marriage had long since crumbled but we were still inhabiting the same apartment. It made for one of the most miserable periods of my life. My ex wife had turned into a very bad alcoholic that was also prone to violence. She had alienated all of her friends and most of her family due to her drunken rages. I was receiving the worst of the lot and had a couple years ago just decided to shut off my emotions completely.
I had for 2 years or better wandered through life in a daze like a zombie. It was a defense mechanism to deal with a major depression that had set in. I was not happy from the beginning and things just got progressively worse. I did not think there was much chance of any happiness in life and I really just accepted having a miserable life. I think this had a lot to do with my up bringing as I do not think my father was ever really happy in life and I know that my parents marriage strung along for years in unhappiness just for my sake growing up. In hindsight this did me no favors as dealing with a divorce as a child is tough but what kind of harm is dealt seeing a loveless marriage and thinking that is normal. It left a big black mark on my life that followed me into adult hood.
Then I met someone who changed everything I ever thought about life. I saw things in a completely different light. It is funny how you just don't realize how unhappy you are until someone gives you a reason to be happy. The problem was that we had so many outside our control factors that would work to keep us for being together. When I wrote this entry it was the weekend of my birthday and it just reinforced how helpless I felt. A big part of me wanted to just give up on life and sell off what I owned and just lead the life of a wandering nomad, a ronin with no master.
That picture of me holding a gun to my head is very controversial to myself. I think it gives the wrong impression that I was suicidal but that was not the case at all. The gun was not loaded and I gave no thoughts to ending my life. Rather it was some sort of expression of how I felt that my life was so far out of my own control at the time. Some people might use that picture against me saying that it shows I am unstable or any number of things. While they have that right it is a distortion of the purpose behind the picture. If that is the best fire power you have against me than that says something about your argument.
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