My Driving Ability

No this won't be a post extolling the grand exploits of my master stunt driving skills. Anyone who has ever rode in a car with me would call bullshit right away. In the interest of full disclosure I must admit two truths right now, one my balls and taint really itch right now, and two I am a horrible driver. Though I feel that my balls and taint are perhaps one of if not the most important of topics to cover, I am going to save them for a later date and describe my (lack of) driving abilities.

I think we can go all the way back to the day I took my test to get my driver's license to give a good example of why I probably shouldn't be on the road. I barely passed the test, as in if one more point got knocked off I would of failed. The best part was though that after the test was over and I was driving back to the test location I blew a stop sign with an oncoming car barreling towards me and the testing instructor nearly had a heart attack. She wanted to fail me on the spot but technically the test had ended so there was nothing she could do.

This was just the start to many many driving adventures. My first car was an 86 Park Avenue. The car was a piece of shit and broke down constantly but it did not help that it had a madman for an owner. Within an hour of getting the car I nearly rear ended someone. By nearly I mean I locked up the brakes and had to swerve off the road and into a field to miss the car. About a month later in a gas station I took a turn two wide and side swiped a car denting the entire side of the person's car. This person happened to be my mom by the way. I still remember the look of disappointment on her face.

Over the next year I hit two walls, yes walls, backing into them. I ran over multiple curbs and ran an old lady on a bicycle off the road (it was an accident). Since that was over 10 years ago I will admit I didn't stop and kept driving. Hopefully she didn't break a hip. Almost a year after getting my license I rear ended some woman absolutely smashing the front of my car. I forget how much damage it caused my vehicle but it was a substantial amount.

My next car was a 92 tornado. I don't recall any major accidents in that car but I do remember driving home from a girlfriends a bit drunk and woke up as my head hit the roof of my car as I had driven over a curb through a mailbox and into someones front lawn. Luckily I was able to steer the car back onto the street before I took out half the house. About a week later my transmission went out. Also wondered if one had something to do with the other.

I think you get the point by now. The other day my bro said "I notice that your answer to any driving problem you encounter is to mash on the gas." That seems to be the case. Alright I will finish this tomorrow lol there is so many incidents I am skipping over it would be a travesty not to include them. If you are reading this re-read it again tomorrow there will be a lot more.