This is the story of how my right hand became what you see in the picture above. I will start off by saying vodka and wooden steps were involved. You see one night I decided that taking a few shots of vodka was a good idea. Most certainly taking a few shots is a good idea, it can loosen you up and make you feel pretty good without making you feel crappy the next day.
The problem is that a few shots tend to lead to a few shots good friend "alotta shots" and that is exactly what happened. Now I can't be completely to blame for this. I was on vacation from work and enjoying a great night with the new love of my life Missy. We had been getting along great and decided to have some drinks this night. Like the big buffoon that I am I went a bit over board and started knocking back the shots.
I am not really accustomed to taking shots believe it or not. I honestly had not drank straight liquor for years and before Missy moved in I had only drank alcohol maybe 4 times in the past 4 months. My home life was a mess and I simply lost interest in it. Now that I felt alive and happy again drinking became enjoyable again. Not that Missy and I were running around in a drunken stupor, we actually had only drank a few nights and even then it was not very much. Seeing as how we were on a vacation and still in our "honeymoon" phase that is really not out of the ordinary.
Somehow to the rumor mill we were just partying it up every night which is funny in that the three or so weeks she has been here we have been to exactly one party on New Years Eve which you know, makes fucking sense. The rest of the time we have spent doing crazy activities like doing the dishes, going to doctors, the library, an antique mall, hobby lobby once, and the grocery store about a dozen times. I know that is just living it up and all, I mean fuck I can scarcely believe we are still alive leading such wild and crazy lives. But lets not let the truth get in the way of a good rumor so please you internet gossipers continue.
So in this particular night, by ourselves, we decided to tie one on and let loose. Things were going absolutely great. The shots were going down and we were having fun doing such crazy activities as watching t.v. and listening to some music videos on youtube. At some point, having to take a piss, I walked up my steps and went to the bathroom. The steps are bare wood and quite small and I was wearing a pair of socks. As I came back down I slipped on the top step and my feet went out from under me. I came crashing down and attempted to post on my right hand landing with all my body weight on my right thumb. Three hundred or some odd pounds against a thumb and guess which one wins.
I actually proceeded to land on my butt then slide all the way down the steps. Had I just landed on my butt I would of been okay but it is a natural instinct to put your hand down. As I stood up at the bottom of the steps I felt an intense pain but figured I could walk it off. As I moved forward I realized I was probably not going to be able to walk it off. Missy was understandably in a bit of a panic at this point as it was clear even through my drunken mess something was seriously wrong.
Realizing she had drank too much to be able to drive Missy, went over to JC's apartment to wake him up. His son answered the door and she told him that she needed JC. This was around 2 in the morning and JC came outside to hear me screaming in pain leaning against my car. We ended up loading up in JC's truck and heading to the hospital. Upon arrival at the hospital we had a bit of an adventure in itself. There was a welcoming sign in the lobby and for some odd reason Missy decided doing a jump spin kick on it ala Chuck Norris was the proper thing to do. While JC and I found it funny the woman working the front desk did not and alerted on site police.
Seeing as how it was almost 3 in the morning at this point I was quickly taken in the back and there I was swarmed by three police officers wanting to know if I was going to be a problem. I had of course sobered up by this point (for the most part) so I was able to talk my way out of any possible problems. Knowing that JC was completely sober I figured he would be able to handle things in the waiting room. The cops soon left and the next thing I remember I was getting x-rays done on my hand. The X-ray technician looked at the pictures and said the good news was that nothing appeared wrong with my thumb. I told him I felt like a bit of a pussy but that that was good news at least.
After leaving the x-ray room I was taken back to my room at the ER. Eventually the Doctor came back and told me my thumb was severely broken, dislocated, and the tendon was ripped off (or a ligament or some shit I can't fucking remember). So I loudly exclaimed that the x-ray tech was a moron and the Doctor said he was not qualified to give a diagnosis and should not of said anything to me. The Doctor then said I would need to see an Orthopedic Surgeon and put my hand in a brace.
As I sat there waiting to be discharged JC came back and told me the cops had tried to take Missy away but that he had talked them down. Apparently they don't like displays of Karate Mastery in the lobby but it beats the hell out of me why. That front desk clerk should of appreciated the level of chi Missy displayed as she spun backwards, launching herself in the air, and then kicking her leg out with pin point accuracy and striking the welcoming sign dead center sending it flying through the air. If Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris had a love child it would of most certainly been Missy.
This is an artist rendition of Missy's kick to the Welcoming Sign
So I ended up having to see two different Orthopedic Surgeons and eventually had to have surgery. I now have pins placed in my right hand to keep my thumb from continuously dislocating. My hand is even more useless now with the pins in it. It is amazing how difficult simple things like putting your socks on or wiping your ass is with only one hand.
