Dumbass Things Continued

6. Cheating at a drinking game. I used to be notorious for getting people to play a drinking card game called High Low Red or Black. Basically you have a card flipped over and you can guess whether the next card will be higher or lower or alternatively you can guess whether the next card will be a red or black suite. You must answer three in a row to switch to the next players turn. If you miss you have to take as many drinks as cards on the table. In theory if enough correct answers are given you might end up with a stack of 20 cards before someone misses and has to take 20 drinks.

As you can see this game has the potential to get people really fucked up quickly. We generally play with beer and one drink is equal to a mouthful basically. I remember one time back long before we were ever neighbors JC came over and we played the game. I am pretty good with card tricks so I can generally get away with fibbing the deck so to speak. Especially after a few rounds of High-low once the beer starts kicking in. Suffice to say I cheated like hell and within 2 hours of arrival JC was head rocked back passed the fuck out drunk.

Well one time this seriously back fired on me. A couple of months back JC and I were getting hammered with some vodka drinks and decided to play some high low with vodka drinks. We really started to get tore up with those. Well after a few rounds of those our friend Kenny showed up with a pony keg of beer. Now you might remember Kenny from before from when he backed into our neighbors car, twice. Anyways this was before that incident.

Kenny is a pretty bad drunk. Doesn't  take a whole hell of a lot to get him there either. So  we decided to get him started right and made him jump right into the high-low game. Not only did he have to start drinking right off the back with a drinking game but he also had to have both a glass of beer and a vodka drink. Jc and I made the vodka drink and put 6 shots of vodka in it. Probably not the best idea but we were hammered and thought it was funny.

Well you can get the idea of what happened. Within about 2 hours Kenny was passed the fuck out drunker than a fiddler. I was hammered too at this point and stumbled in my family room where kenny's daughter was sleeping on a sofa under a blanket. In my drunken stupor I grabbed the blanket off her and laid down on another sofa.

I am not sure how much time passed but I don't think it was very much before I was being woken up. Apparently Kenny woke up at some point and realized he had to throw up. He made it all the way up the stairs but could not manage to open up the bathroom door so went in my bedroom and threw up all over our bed. Lovely. I stumbled upstairs and by this point I had to piss so fucking bad it wasn't even funny. Kenny by this point had managed to get in the bathroom and was still puking over the toilet. So in my drunken haze I went into the cat's bed room (yes my cats have their own room) and pissed in the litter box. Believe me that was interesting cleaning it out the next day. When I come back downstairs Kenny is passed out face down ass up with his pants down around his ankles, oh yeah his daughter was standing right there haha.

I decided right then that the days of playing high-low were over.

Searching

It is no secret that the movie Excalibur is one of my favorite movies. I am reminded of a scene late in the movie, the night before Arthur must do battle with his son. He approaches a Stonehenge like formation and speaks aloud to Merlin who had long ago been locked in a cave by Morgana.

  

This is actually from earlier in the movie but you get the point. He says roughly  "More than I ever did I need you now." 

I am no King. I am not meant to be the stuff of future memories. I am just a man but I have my own Merlin. Whether that Merlin is a person, inner voice in my head, or whatever doesn't matter. What matters is that there is a guiding force in my life. When it is not there, even if just for a half a day I am completely lost.

Another List of Dumbass Things I Have Done

I know I said I would finish my bad driving exploits entry first but since this is my blog I will do what I want and right now I feel like making another list of dumbass things I have done in recent history.

1. The way I dressed Wednesday. With Subfreezing temperatures, snow, and a bitterly cold windshield I decided to make a point that day. I wanted to prove that my mental will was stronger than anything else. I would not get cold because I would not allow myself to feel cold. I had so much on my mind that I didn't even have time to feel cold.

So I went to work wearing a pair of jeans, socks, my boots, a short sleeve shirt, and a zip up hoodie. No thermals, no gloves, no hat, just the absolute bare essentials. Hell I didn't even bring a lunch with me, I didn't have time to be bothered with my personal comfort. Besides it was nothing that my mind couldn't beat out of me. Much as the immortal Dalton said in the movie Roadhouse, "Pain doesn't hurt."

 

I left my house and saw the breath vapors exit my mouth. The howling wind bitterly struck my face with a stinging bite. My hands felt cold then numb almost right away. Not that i registered any of this. I shut out all feelings of discomfort and wasn't going to be deterred.

So by about noon I sat there at a cable amplifier freezing to death, hungrier than fuck, wondering why in the fuck did I think this was a good idea. I couldn't feel my fingers, nose, or ears, and my stomach felt like it was trying to eat its way out of my body. Yet again one of my bizarro ideas that only makes sense in my own head bite me on the ass. I survived but I tend to think it was just barely.

2. About 3 years ago or so roughly, I can't remember but it may have been longer, I was driving around in my work truck and decided to make a stop at a local walmart. Once inside I realized I had to take a piss so I made my way to the bathroom. The urinals were occupied but there was one open stall so I walked in and started to do my business. All of a sudden a strong coughing fit overcame me in the middle of missing and my whole body violently jerks as I start coughing quite heavily. 

This had the adverse reaction of causing me to spray piss all over the piss including under the stall door and right over to the guys feet in the stall beside me. I then heard a loud "Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!" from said guy as he realized the guy beside him was pissing under the stall door and upon his shoes. At this point I did the old two flip switch and got the fuck out of there. Since I was in a work uniform I decided my best course of action was to get the fuck out of dodge before the guy in the stall beside me found out the company I worked for and made a nice little complaint. Since I never got called into my supervisors office to discuss the incident I have to assume he never found out that information. Me 1 Guy in stall beside me 0 His shoes -1

3. Giving my cousin the phone number of a girl I liked. This was back in the old high school days when you really didn't know your ass from your elbow, especially when it came to the opposite sex. There was a girl I worked with at the time who I liked for no other reason than I liked the way she looked. This had to be it because I can't recall ever really talking to her. Shit like that always works out so well right?

Well my social skills have never been my strongest suit and much less so then. After a few awkward at best attempts we agreed on something resembling a date. I had her phone and she had mine and we talked on the phone a few times. The time of the date came around and of course she made up some bullshit reason to avoid it. I pretty much saw it for what it was and decided my best course of action was to back off the situation. 

She had a lot of sisters. I am not sure why but I am pretty sure it numbered in the low teens. My cousin who had a pretty notorious history of making prank phone calls asked me if he could have the girls number so that he might be able to talk to one of her sisters (my cousin had previously worked at the same store so we knew a lot of similar people). I am not sure why I thought this was an okay idea, but sure enough I gave him her number. 

Later that night I sat in my room and didn't really think much of anything when my phone rang. I answered it wondering who would greet me on the other end. Turns out it was that girls dad and he was fucking furious. Apparently someone called claiming to be me and threatened to rape and murder his wife and daughter. Apparently his daughter didn't believe it was me but a whole back and forth exchange went on that ended up dragging in another employee. 

Now here is the story my cousin "claimed" happened. He said he called our other cousin (who has spent most his adult life in prison if it tells you anything) and then on 3 way they called the girl. The agreement was that cousin number 2 would pretend to be and talk to the girl and hit on her. Cousin 1 claimed that as soon as she got on the phone cousin 2 just went off threatening to murder and rape her, or maybe rape and murder her, one of the two, this is kind of one of those things that the order of events does seem to matter. Anyways, she doesn't believe it is me since that would be somewhat out of character for me. Her mom gets on the phone and cousin 2 proceeds to say even worse things to her. At some point the phone gets hung up.

The dad wanted to play mr. dad and gets on the phone and star 69s it back to cousin 1's place (well his parents). My cousin 1 not wanting to get in trouble pretends to be another guy we work with who is in competition  with me over his daughter. This story at this point becomes shady (I am trying to remember events that happened half my life ago). But that is the story my cousin told me. I tend to think he knew damn well the whole time what cousin 2 was going to do. 

Anyways the next day I go to work and guess who the fuck is there talking to my assistant manager, the girl's obscenely obese dad. I still remember the look on his pudgy face as he talked to the Ass Man (for short). I sincerely hoped I wouldn't be dragged over to the conversation but sure enough I ended up having to talk to the Ass Man and her dad. I was still unsure of what all had transpired so I was probably tripping over my words trying to explain what did or did not happen. I know it ended with the other guy I work with dropping the dime on my cousin and my Ass Man telling me to give her dad my cousin's phone number. I said with a straight face "I don't have the number on hand but will call you with it as soon as I get home." His reply was "good I will be waiting." I wonder if his fatass is still fucking waiting. Did he really think I would sellout my cousin? Even though said cousin screwed me over again. 

4. Listening to my cousin... ever. So at some point in my life I was dating a girl who's parents had a lot of money. People with a lot of money collect things. Her dad had a collection of liquor. That was a foreign concept to me as the drunkasses in my family drank things faster than they could acquire them. One of the things in his collection was a 20 year old bottle of jack daniels. Seeing as he had it for 20 years I thought obviously he is not going to drink it so I helped myself to the bottle. 

This started an Odysseus of wild night of drinking. At some point after downing most of the bottle I made it to my cousins on the northside of town. His cousin lived across the hall from him and we three decided to go to the bar. So first we went to a strip club but since we were all broke and didn't want to tip (not to mention only 20 years old) we hung by the back  hoping the dancers wouldn't ask for tips. Considering we were the only three people in the fucking place pretty much guaranteed they were still going to ask for tips. So we cut out of there and head over to a country bar.

This was again uneventful aside from my cousin walking over to two women and telling them his cousin and I thought that they were prostitutes and wanted to know how much it would cost to party that night. Now clearly they were not prostitutes and my cousin was just fucking with us. Anyways we cut out from there and my cousin decides to drive over to his mom's apartment as he had stashed some money over there hiding it from his wife. Sitting in the car I had to piss really bad so I asked his cousin which apartment was his mom's. He told me and i walked through the door and went to the bathroom. Then as I left I was hungry so I opened the fridge and grabbed a Bahama mama. As I was walking out eating it I didn't notice his mom's little dog and accidentally stepped on it. The dog let out a blood curdling scream. Not even like I stepped on it but more like I was murdering it. I walked out of the apartment quickly and back to my car. 

My cousin was in the car which I thought was odd that I didn't pass him on the way in. As I got in his cousin and him started laughing hysterically. Turns out that his cousin lied and the apartment number he gave me wasn't my cousin's moms apartment. Turns out it wasn't anyone's apartment they knew. Apparently I walked into some strangers apartment, used their bathroom, ate their food, then kicked their dog on the way out.

5. More from the same night. Is it breaking and entering if the door is unlocked? I don't know. Is eating someone's food theft? Still not sure. What I do know is that what happened later that night is most definitely criminal. After leaving his mom's apartment complex we went to some night club. Though this night club seemed to be something out of the twilight zone. It mostly consisted of very overweight women wearing very tight clothes. I never seen such a concentration of fatties before. 

Oh and to top things off a lesbian band was playing and the thing about lesbian bands are that they attract a lot of lesbians. This means trying to score some action was akin to playing russian roulette but it didn't stop my cousin. He started talking to two real fat chicks and next thing his cousin and I notice he is fucking gone. We thought he left us there so we went to a pay phone and called his apartment.

Not a good idea. His rather pissed off wife answered and no he was not there and she was furious. We tried covering for him as best as one can after drinking for most the day and night which means probably not well. Our cousin surfaced a couple hours later with those fat chicks being a few lines of coke short I imagine. 

The next couple hours were a blur of drinking and fighting and all those things that make living fun. My next recollection we three are at an all nite breakfast diner. We are scarfing down big plates of food at 4 in the morning. Being as I was crushed and didn't know better I blurted out rather loudly "how are we going to pay for this we are all broke" to which my cousin looked visibly annoyed (he was much less drunk because he had been snorting coke all night). I got my answer soon though.

His cousin went to the bathroom and my cousin motioned for me to get up. We walk straight out the door. A waitress tried to stop us but my cousin said our friend was in the bathroom and going to pick up the tab. he then got my keys and pulled my car around. I saw his cousin come barreling out the door being followed by a couple of cooks. He dives in my car and we take off. The old dine and dash.